We interrupt your program for breaking news: Researchers found that something that is supposed to help people is killing the lives of kids. Kids all over the world from Placentia, California to Shenzhen, China, even all the islands are suffering from schooliosis and the cure no one seems to see. The people that are supposed to be helping them are actually giving them more and more symptoms. THE PHYSICAL EFFECTS OF SCHOOLIOSIS Kids all over the world are experiencing this disease in many different ways. Kids are locked inside their house all day, never getting any sleep, not spending time with their families, and their friendships are being torn apart from not seeing each other for a long time. We just got word that a kid in Albuquerque, New Mexico couldn’t get out his door all day cause papers are blocking it. He said this disease was trapping him all day and no one was able to stop it. Also that schooliosis in some way is fighting back and is not just on the inside but around him also. Researchers in Fries, Virginia have gone to many houses trying to save these kids using their cure but the problem is as soon as you get rid of the symptoms, they get more symptoms and you are restarting the curing process again. Papa Georgio, the father of a sick child, has said he never gets to see his kid go outside anymore because he is too sick to do anything. We interviewed a kid down in Destin, Florida and asked him, “How are your friends? How often do you go outside? How long did you sleep last night?” and His answers were, “What’s a friend? Rarely ever in my life, Less than 2 hours.” As you can see, schooliosis is really taking effect on this kids here. HOW TO SAVE YOUR CHILDREN FROM SCHOOLIOSIS People have found many temporary ways to try and save their kids. People in Dinosaur, Colorado are using a fire to try and burn away the symptoms. They do this to try and warm up the disease so that it can disappear into thin air. Others in Bluff, Alaska tried to shred away the disease into many different parts that help get rid of it. A few in Soda Springs, Idaho use a wild beast to help scare away the disease and then eat it up. However, even though these ways have been effective for temporary use when your kid returns from the hospital the next day they will develop the same symptoms over and over again. The only people that will save your kids for good are the workers inside the hospital that gave them the disease in the first place. HOW HAS IT GROWN OVER THE YEARS Schooliosis was a hospital disease that was developed by pure accident in Italy 1905. He was trying to find a way for people to help understand what they are seeing and learning at home however it was taken too far. They started to send more and more symptoms home with each kid in different countries. By the 2000s almost every kid in the world had the disease and it is still growing. With doctors creating more and more symptoms instead of trying to cure it they are building on by sending more and more symptoms home with them. They also started to develop different types of the diseases and new variants. People predict that by the year 2147 no kid will be safe from these diseases and their symptoms will be deadly. They are saying that kids will not be able to move from a chair, hands will be crapping nonstop, stress levels will be as high as skyscrapers, and if we don't do something soon, then lives could be endangered.
Kids Vaping in Hallway Save School from Intruder by Armaan Verma
A shocking turn of events occurred this past week when an attempt to enter the school by a known miscreant was thwarted by the heroic efforts of students who go to this very school. George, Evan, and Katrina, all seniors, were reportedly minding their own business, enjoying a nice strawberry smoke, when they saw a shady fellow shuffling through the school, no identification and a suspicious hoodie on. George courageously exclaimed, “You don’t belong here!” and spat his ecigarette at him, which spun in midair, ricocheted off of the ceiling, then hit him point blank in the face. “I saw him; he was a weird dude on god,” Katrina recalled, “He said he was just some kid’s parent but like, what would a parent be doing in a school of all places? Doesn’t add up to me.” Following the incident, the suspicious man ran crying, pathetically exclaiming, “I just wanted to drop off my son’s lunch!” Evan then took the opportunity to chase after the man to deliver some self-proclaimed “street justice” (“I ain’t no narc,” he later explained), utilizing the Herculean strength granted by his vape to protect our precious school. Please thank these heroes!
Germs Exposed to Be Fake by Maya Segura
A group of scientists from Cambridge University made an astonishing discovery. Their research has concluded that germs are not real. The scientist ran experiments for months and concluded that there is simply no evidence for the existence of germs. This revelation has turned the history of science upside down. Amazingly, some initial peer reviews have confirmed this theory and researchers worldwide are finding themselves unable to reject this theory.
The findings have been published in the Cambridge Scientific Journal, the most prestigious scientific journal of the world. There is already a worldwide momentum for a Nobel prize in science for this discovery. The existence of germs has been long accepted in the scientific community yet this group of scientists demonstrate the fallacy of the theory in a rather expeditious way.
The principal tenant of the theory claims that germs were a creation of big pharma to sell more medicaments. According to the research, big pharma paid for the education of hundreds of scientists and medical professionals across the world under the conviction of keeping the big lie moving forward. An investigation has been launched by the United Nations to vet contributions of big pharma to universities and colleges
Another big discovery from the research claims the existence of a new element in the sickness process: Molotos. These previously undiscovered microorganisms could be the generators of diseases and maladies. Several nations have already started pouring millions of dollars into researching these molotos and creating potions to control their expansion. The research from Cambridge University was funded by the newly formed Anti-Moloto Foundation.
Karens Are Saving The World by Ava Grant
Why do people give Karen’s so much hate? I mean, they are basically superheroes. These crazy women are basically your neighborhood Superman. I mean, yeah, they sometimes make questionable decisions, but HEY who doesn’t? I mean, we cannot all be perfect, right? To start, they are basically internet superstars. They have EXTREMELY large social media platforms to promote social change. They care about all people, and that is undeniable. They use their voice, their lovely loud voice, to make themselves heard. They use that to take care of all the children growing up in the world who have two parent households, large incomes, white, and are cheerleaders and football stars. I mean we have to give those kids a chance. Society has already ignored them too much and the Karens of the world are just trying to give them equal opportunities. You know, I know a couple Karen’s. They really are well intentioned. They work so hard to give white-middle and upper class opportunities that they never got. And they do this in beautiful ways. I mean their speeches yelling at children, people in the elevator, and anyone who doesn’t look like them is just a great way to give these children equal opportunities. They never claimed to be perfect, but hey they are doing a pretty good job. But honestly, they are basically superheroes. I mean their bathrobes that they walk around yelling at people in are essentially capes. Their bulging eyes, looking like they are just human right’s activists, is just a way to get rid of those negative vibes. Oh and THEIR VOICES. Do not get me started. It is a superpower. I mean how does one woman make their voice SO LOUD that the whole state of Texas, even the whole south, can hear them? I just don’t know. And even more unbelievable, have you been to one of their rallies? You can go to one anytime, there tickets in big cities including Jacksonville, Houston, Memphis, Columbia, Charleston, and even some in New York City, L.A., and CHICAGO! They are basically on tour. BUT their biggest seller of all, is on FACEBOOK LIVE (pretty great, right?). In addition, you can even access a free show in basically anywhere that someone has a different opinion (which is like everywhere- so don’t miss out!). But I have to admit, these Karens are celebrities and inspire so many young girls everyday to be just like them. I mean they are just straight-up inspirations. Representing the communities whose voices aren’t heard, Karens are taking a stand against this injustice; therefore, they are the superheroes of the 21st century.
New Worldwide President Kinged by Maya Segura
In light of a number of recent events in the world, a new leader has been appointed into power. This poisition is not tied to a state, country, or even continent. Rather, the Earth is seeing a world president for the first time in its history. Who is this new president, you ask? None other than Spring Hill High School’s very own Maya Segura. Previous leaders commented on the change, most notably speaking of how they are ecstatic to both be let go from their duties as well as the newfound hope they have for the areas they once ran. President of the world is a new title that top researchers say is our only hope.
What exactly is different about the president of the world? This ruler has unlimited power over all sovereign and nonsovereign nations around the globe. All previous positions of power have been discarded, and the new leader will assume all their responsibilities. Don’t let the presidential title confuse you, this role is not bound by terms or elections. Once in power, there are no backup systems, legal options, or checks and balances available to remove the president from power.
We were lucky enough to gain the opportunity to interview said world president. When asked how they felt about the role, Segura commented, “I truly am the best possible person for the job. I love to be the one to say it, I am, simply put, the coolest, most awesome, epic, legendary, show-worthy, notable person alive. I believe everyone on this planet should strive to be like me. If they aren’t doing so, they are setting themselves up for failure." Maya went on to discuss how they planned to lead the world in the future.
“I am so glad you asked, interviewer who is not me, my first course of action involves anteaters. My first act of administration is to make it mandatory for every single person on Earth to own an anteater. These anteaters are vital -or, rather, will become vital towards our survival as a civilization. They will be used as the only form of transportation allowed as well as taking the place of birth certificates. Each animal has a set pin that corresponds to the person owning it. I honestly don’t know why we haven’t enacted this system sooner.” In focus groups, people seemed to love the anteater systems. The data, however, has been challenged by some researchers, who stated that the data was not reliable due to the fact that the entire experiment and test subjects were controlled by Segura themselves. Said researchers were reported missing mere days later, in what I’m sure is an unrelated conflict.
Some of the other, smaller policies going into effect underneath Maya Segura include the outlawing of music of any kind, which Maya stated as being “unnatural to humans and a concept created to destroy people”, the introduction of a mere 4 legal foods, which include peanuts, heavy cream, raw ginger, and krill, and the reintroduction of tunics into common fashion. When asked about the intentions behind these statements, the president simply responded with “Why not?”. Only after further prompting did they finally reveal the reasoning. “The foods I’m allowing include some popular allergens, but frankly, I’m not worried about it. People who are allergic have to learn to adapt at some point or another, so why not help get them started? Do you realize how much energy is spent running grocery stores and storage facilities for all the different foods people eat? Under my regulations, all that land, energy, and money can be diverted elsewhere. People don’t need fruits or grains; what I’m offering is more than enough variety. Why have lots of food if a little food does the trick? Not only that, but it also helps nature recover. You don’t want the poor. Innocent cries of strawberries and potatoes and crawfish on your mind, do you? All those things and more will be free with these new systems underway. As for the tunics, I just like how they look. What better way to show community than forcefully making mass numbers of people revert back to a form of fashion from 600 years ago?”
Segura closed off the interview by speaking directly to their newly appointed subjects across the globe, stating, “I want to take a moment to address the future of our planet. I can assure each and every one of you that the world that is going to be created will be the best you have ever known. There is no one better, more qualified for this job, or more caring for citizens across the world than me. Sleep easy knowing that your future is completely and totally in my hands and there is no possible way to prevent the systems I plan to enact. Remember that although I assume all power in totality, that doesn’t make me a dictator at all. Emperor- Sorry! I meant, uh…President of the world is a role only I could fill and you will all thank me later when you are living a perfect life.”
Overall, the President of the world seems to be the kind of leadership we need in order to continue thriving globally today. There are no flaws at all in the idea, and Maya Segura was destined to fill the role.
Education Improves as a Result of Censorship by Ava Grant
Education has been substantially improved as a result of schools blocking certain sources. In many classes we have to write papers as it is used to improve our writing and critical-thinking skills. However, many citation machines are blocked by schools. A lot of people would see this as an issue because plagiarism is morally incorrect and people need to note where they are getting sources from so professionals and teachers can make sure that they are not stealing other people’s work. But this is just ridiculous and the schools and school districts COMPLETELY understand it. I mean, people are so dramatic about plagiarism and the schools are just the only ones who understand that. They are helping build our life skills because in the real world EVERYONE takes credit for things they did not do (just a precursor, am I right?). I mean look at Watson and Crick not properly giving credit to Rosalind Franklin for Photo 51 that helped them discover how DNA was structured. AND LOOK AT THEM! I mean, they literally won a Nobel Prize (literal icons). So basically these schools are just setting their students up for success. And do not even get me started on history videos. When we learn about World Wars and Germany, Italy, and Russia, these curriculums are basically trying to make America fascist and communist. And who wants that? NOT US. I mean, learning about these governments, on completely different continents, is basically trying to brainwash us. I mean what even is the phrase “history repeats itself” if you do not learn from it? Like come on! Who needs to learn about history? Who needs to learn about things that happened because quite honestly being ignorant to what happened in the past, and could happen in the future, is a great place to be. I mean censoring information that talks about the censorship in these other countries is just pure genius because censorship in other countries and by other people is just plain wrong. Another form of censorship that is pure gold is….. wait for it….. books!!!! I think that the strong minds who look over what children have the right to read, and don’t in schools, were inspired by this beautiful idea. Looking out for the minds of children, now young adults, IS what is best for them. Although they are about to be adults, we cannot trust them with their ability to decide what they can and cannot read because it is better to just wait until they are all alone in the real world for them to experience these things. These novels are basically just trying to corrupt the minds of our youth. The best part of all is, by far, the time spent doing this. These people understand that blocking these resources is what’s best for shaping the minds of these young people. It requires a lot of time to make sure that NOTHING can corrupt the education of these people who are going to be the future of the world. I mean, who needs to talk about serious social issues going on in the world when you can just make it so that people do not have access to this information? Honestly as said perfectly by Daisy in the Great Gatsby, “that’s the best thing a girl (or anyone young child in this context) can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.” Because, in all honesty, knowledge is overrated; therefore, censoring such knowledge is the perfect solution to facing the challenges in the education systems in the world.
Unprofessional Thesis on the Future Evolution of Mankind by Jonathan Wu
Evolution is a fickle thing. It’s one of the greatest arguments that has appeared in this wonderful world. Now I’m not here to argue about humanity’s past, rather the future, as we seemingly only care about the future. Not that it’s a bad thing, I, too, focus on the future more than the past, it’s just that this topic particularly is quite controversial when delving that far into history. Now that my wall has been built to prevent the onslaught of very active Twitter users, let us delve into the future. What does it hold for us?
Evolution, on both sides of the argument, inevitably led us to what we are today. A highly functional, technologically capable living organism. Our past selves were the same, but as time passed, they advanced to where we are today. The same theory holds true for the future. We’ll advance our technology so far that the definition of mankind could be changed. Perhaps so far that our physical bodies are no more than a means to reproduction. Let me elaborate.
What did you say about my body?
Elon musty, CEO of the highly-rated Tesla brand of Water-powered steam cars, once stated that the mind would be able to translate its consciousness into computers, basically letting humans become immortal. With this, our physical bodies 100% turn useless. We won’t require food. The pleasures that come from eating food, we can accomplish by simply sending the required signals to the brain. Diseases that once harmed us will become useless. If you want to see the outside world, connect your consciousness via wi-fi to a wireless camera strapped to an RC car. Anything that the body could physically feel, can be achieved through these brain signals. Even pain can be felt through these, but that is set aside for a specific group of very different people.
But perhaps you still want to interact with the outside world in a way you remember. Humanoid technology has developed enough into actual walking robots. With the future’s technology far more advanced than our current, an exact replica of a human isn’t impossible. Detroit: become human, a wondrous game developed by quantic games, delves into technology so advanced that humans and robots look completely identical.
So what happens to our jobs?
By the time humanity has achieved the capability to transfer our consciousness to another physical body that is powered by electricity, or perhaps another power source, our ability to produce robots will be high enough that most jobs will be dominated by them. Now you must be wondering, how will I survive? With most jobs conquered with what some are most afraid of, they won’t have the ability to sustain this lifestyle. Sadly enough, our dreams of becoming immortal are restricted by quite the big wall, money being the main culprit.
So we can’t be immortal?
Indeed we can’t. This technology will be only accessible to the insanely rich, so be sure to expect big celebrities like Justin Beiber walking in on stage singing whatever latest hit he has made in a big metal suit. Of course, since we can’t be death-defying robots, nature has its own path carved out for us, rather its intended path. We once again go down the rabbit hole of questionable evolution. Perhaps our horrendously designed feet will be fixed.
So what are we shapeshifting to?
Ahhhh. Good question. The funny thing is, I don’t really know. But, before you go, I do have speculation on what we could be based on what the future will be like. If I just go meet one of my many prestigious associates, with many prestigious titles( a time traveler, a dude so fast he literally defies the concept of time, and many other things…), I already know the multiple futures that the future holds. I asked future me, don’t worry. With my qualifications out of the way, let's continue.
-Nuclear destruction In the appending future, one of our potential results of human evolution is a Deadpool look alike. With nuclear annihilation, radiation will force our bodies to undergo horrendous changes, and will soon develop a healing factor that is able to counteract the effects of radiation. Thus leading our bodies to a constant state of decay and constant healing. Deadpool’s humor is not inherited, nor is the actor’s handsomeness. Scratch that, that is pretty controversial as well.
-Eden’s paradise This is probably one of our most promising futures. With the downfall of oil, most vehicles will die out, and governments will fall, leading to a modern fallout scenario. The earth will soon return to its primal state, and humans along with it, with some additional altercations. Humans will turn larger, filled with more muscles than before. With pollution dying down, every living being on earth will turn larger, as evident from fossils of mosquitoes from the age of dinosaurs. So larger mosquitos. And cockroaches. And basically every bug. Perhaps evolution is a bad thing.
So what happens now?
Ultimately, we have two major futures. One with technology so advanced that the rich will dominate, even more, leading the rest of society into a dark inescapable hole filled with cycles of dread in a cyberpunk dystopian world. The rest is either to return to a primal state of living, becoming literal superhumans, but you have to deal with bigger bugs or evolve into a Deadpool look alike. The future is looking quite grim. Maybe we have to focus on the present, rather than focusing on the future, or looking back on the past and feeling really embarrassed for whatever thing you did.