Note: The entire Hill Herald for the April edition is meant to be read ironically. The entire paper is written in a satirical style, so it is all, technically, "fake" news.
Editorials/Opinion Pieces in this "Fake" News Publication: 5 Tips from a Senior to Incoming Freshmen by Armaan Verma Donate to a Good Cause! Billionaires Need Our Money! by Armaan Verma Michael Bakari Jordan is Overrated by Ava Grant
5 Tips from a Senior to Incoming Freshmen by Armaan Verma
Don’t do anything that doesn’t directly benefit you. As famous author and literary visionary Ayn Rand once said, you and you alone are the creator of your own destiny. Many people will tell you you’re “selfish” or “heartless” or ask “why didn’t you support me when my sister died?” but they’re just jealous you know how to take care of yourself.
You don’t matter! The only value you have is your grades, your class rank, and your SAT score. Focus your entire life on getting good grades because if you don’t, you have nothing else going for you! Trade school, careers, people say they’re “good options” but you’ll get nowhere in life without good grades.
Never make friends! Friends are an invention by society to sell bracelets and trinkets; no one has friends to lean on in the real world. You can only look out for yourself. Anyone who tries to reach out to you is scheming against you, trying to ruin your reputation and class rank by befriending and then betraying you. Trust no one.
Be cruel to all your teachers! They aren’t really trying to teach you or care about you, they’re just doing their job because it pays well, not because of any real passion. When it comes time for recommendations for college or other places, just forge them! A letter from yourself penned by yourself will be infinitely more real and heartfelt than some sloppily regurgitated drivel by a teacher.
Finally, if you’re gonna do one thing on this list let it be this one. Don’t ever go to class! What’s in class? Teachers and other students, both of which we’ve already established aren’t benefitting you at all. Do all of your work at home and simply skip school until it’s test time. Are administrators and your parents concerned? Doesn’t matter! I’m right and they are wrong. Do yourself a favor and never go to school again.
Donate to a good cause! Billionaires need our money! by Armaan Verma
It was a dark day today in Silicon Valley, where investors have faced failure due to small regulatory oversights. Due to this, the United States government has agreed to a one-time bailout of the bank using national reserve funds (which were going to be thrown away for “lower income area educational funding”), but that isn’t enough!
How will the management in monolithic companies like Google and Apple pay their bills? They may be forced to sell their planes and summer houses just to pay their employees a living wage ($10/hr). How will geniuses like Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk invent solutions to problems like poverty and unemployment if they don’t have a proper workspace? How will they travel without being mobbed by adoring fans in the absence of private jets? These are questions the bailout raises, since these amazing companies will only be hanging on by threads in the months to come.
As to why our government isn’t doing more to help them, I place the blame with the American people. They’ll complain when we don’t support nonissues like “affordable housing” or “cycles of debt” but stay awfully silent when real issues like this one come about. Their laziness is costing our elite the conditions they need to help us all!
What can we do to help? Donate. Buy a new iPhone, but a new Google Pixel, buy shares of all the silicon valley companies; if you don’t have the money, budget. Skip getting an avocado toast or a fancy latte and give money to what matters, our leaders of the future.
Michael Bakari Jordan is Overrated by Ava Grant
Let’s be real….. when you think of the worst, most overrated actor ever, you think MBJ. I mean Micheal B Jordan isn’t even the best Micheal Jordan. You have one who does athletics and stars in famous movies and other who is only really known for selling kicks. Obviously the second is the best. I mean would you rather have a Jack of all trades or a dude who will probably end up doing a commercial for Jack in the box. Obviously it is the one whose stardom is dependent on how many McDonalds ads he can land. MBJ is worshipped for being such a genuine, kind, and overall great person. But they don’t know the real him- they only see him this way because his name is known by everyone who hears it. Like COME ON! How can they not see how terrible he is? It is clear as day ranging from buying his parents a house, the creation of his own production company, “Outlier Society,” that is focused on diversity within the film industry, and the fact that he took tap dancing lessons as a child. All of which are grusomely appalling. Furthermore, one cannot forget the truly bland nature of some of his most famous roles as Erik Killmonger in Black Panther and Adnois Creed in the Creed Franchise. In fact, he is likely the reason they receieved hardly any recognition for Black Panther with only 14 nominations and 6 awards in 2019. Frankly it is quite disheartening. And if you are not yet convinced on how absolutely overrated Micheal B Jordan is… I’ll break it down for you with actual evidence of all his failures. Best Supporting Actor: Black Panther (2018) - nominated
2018; Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films, USA
Breakout Performance: Creed (2015)- won
2015; African-American Film Critics Association
Best Actor: Creed (2015)- won
2016; All Def Movie Awards
Best Actor: Creed (2015)- nominated
2015; Austin Film Critics Association
And these are few of MANY examples…… I’m disgusted. Horrified. Shocked. At how ANYONE can think a man with such a large number of failures in life can be seen as a magnificent…. no, good…. no, average actor.
Works Cited “Black Panther: Nominations and Awards - the Los Angeles Times.” Los Angeles Times, Los Angeles Times, envelope.latimes.com/awards/titles/black-panther/. Gelbart, Bryn. “10 Things You Probably Didn't Know about Michael B. Jordan.” Insider, Insider, 9 Feb. 2023, www.insider.com/michael-b-jordan-facts-2019-2#jordan-took-tap-dancing-lessons-at-the-beginni ng-of-his-career-10. Kit, Borys. “Michael B. Jordan's Outlier Society Signs Film Deal with Amazon.” The Hollywood Reporter, The Hollywood Reporter, 8 Feb. 2021, www.hollywoodreporter.com/movies/movie-news/michael-b-jordan-outlier-society-sign-film-de al-with-amazon-4129332/. “Michael B. Jordan Awards and Nominations.” AceShowbiz, www.aceshowbiz.com/celebrity/michael_b_jordan/awards.html. “Michael B. Jordan.” Encyclopædia Britannica, Encyclopædia Britannica, Inc., 3 Mar. 2023, www.britannica.com/biography/Michael-B-Jordan.